Providing valuable advice is not simply about imparting your wisdom; it involves delving into the depths of understanding the situation at hand. When someone seeks your advice, it is likely that they possess a wealth of knowledge about the facts surrounding their predicament. To offer meaningful guidance, you must embark on an investigative journey by asking questions. Through this process, you acquire knowledge, learn, and ultimately guide the advice-seeker towards the solution they already know to be correct. Curiously, many advice-givers fail to emphasize the significance of asking questions, and the answer lies in the realm of emotional intelligence.
Offering advice is inherently intertwined with a range of emotions, such as pride, doubt, impatience, gratitude, and a sense of duty. These emotions, if left unchecked, can easily cloud our judgment. Consequently, asking questions becomes a crucial practice not only when guiding others but also when making decisions for ourselves.
Here, I share with you seven key questions that individuals with high emotional intelligence repeatedly ask themselves. Although the answers to these questions may not always be easy to accept, they yield tremendous benefits in the long run.
Question 1: Why?
This question takes precedence over all others, frequently surfacing in the minds of emotionally intelligent individuals: Why am I engaged in this activity? Why do I desire this outcome? Why am I expressing these thoughts? Why am I entertaining these ideas? Emotional intelligence hinges on leveraging emotions, both our own and those of others, to increase the likelihood of achieving our goals. By constantly questioning “why,” we ensure that our emotional reactions align with the desired outcomes we seek.
Question 2: What is the worst that could happen?
When facing difficult decisions, it is common to be overwhelmed by fear, one of our most powerful emotions. However, this fear often stems from the anticipation of negative emotions rather than an actual likely outcome. People with high emotional intelligence recognize that forcing oneself to consider the worst-case scenario often reveals it to be less catastrophic than initially believed.
Question 3: How does this look to other people?
While asking this question, we must be cautious not to become consumed by insecurities regarding others’ opinions of our competence, intelligence, or trajectory. Nevertheless, individuals with high emotional intelligence acknowledge that communication occurs in multiple dimensions. They understand that unintentional messages can be conveyed alongside the intended ones, potentially leading to misinterpretations. To avoid such misunderstandings, one must carefully consider how their words or actions may be perceived by others.
Question 4: Do I need to say all of this?
Individuals with high emotional intelligence appreciate the value of editing. There are two types of editing they employ:
- The strip-it-bare type: Condensing a thousand words into a hundred. Few people have ever been disappointed by a shorter speech.
- The know-what-let’s-not-say-it-at-all-today type: Recognizing that silence or patience may be more effective. As Warren Buffett learned the hard way, you can always address a matter tomorrow.
While this blog may exceed 1,300 words, it is generally true that less is more. (Please bear with me until the end!)
Question 5: What’s the best plausible explanation for this negative information?
Individuals with high emotional intelligence understand that complete information is a rarity. Consider the scenario where an employee consistently arrives late, causing colleagues to take notice. A manager with emotional intelligence would resist immediately assuming that the employee lacks dedication to their job. Instead, they would strive to envision positive explanations:
- Perhaps the employee is grappling with childcare challenges and is doing their best but requires support.
- It could be that the employee’s commute has been affected by schedule changes making punctuality difficult.
- Maybe the employee is late because they are constantly engaged in charitable acts, or helping the elderly, etc
As the boss, you may eventually need to address the habitually late behaviour and discover that the worst-case scenario aligns with reality. However, approaching the situation with an open mind and a willingness to consider positive explanations can significantly impact your attitude and approach.
Question 6: What is my goal?
This question complements the first one. While the previous query pertains to the “why” behind our actions, this question forces us to articulate our ultimate goal—the starting point from which everything else should flow. Amazingly, many individuals rarely contemplate this question, let alone ask it repeatedly.
Question 7: How can I help other people get what they need?
This question embodies altruism, but individuals with exceptionally high emotional intelligence recognise that it also serves their own objectives.
